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Self-compassion: What it is, why it is so important for HSPs and how to start your own practice

If there is one thing that is absolutely a must for highly sensitive people, that is a good dose of self-compassion.

My own experience with self-compassion

Since a young age, I have been an ambitious and competitive person. Being good at something, and achieving goals have always driven me. The problem is the type of dialogue I was having with myself. I learnt old-school motivational self-talk which is usually self-flagellating and follows the ‘never enough’ ideal.

I was back then proud of being so hard-working, not realising I was being my own slave master.

Looking back, I can clearly see I was abusing myself, neglecting my own feelings and needs, and definitely not acknowledging my sensitive nature. Although it brought me far, it wasn’t sustainable. That harsh self-programming led me to constant crashes and what eventually resulted in a burnout.

It was in the following years, during my own self-exploration journey that I started to feel interested in the term ‘self-compassion’ and read the book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by the research psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff.

This book has been a real game changer in my life. I realised how harsh I had been on myself and how this habit was not only hurting me but also holding myself back from fulfilling my potential. I started to be more self-compassionate with myself and to be more creative on ways I can support and connect with myself.

To my own surprise, being compassionate with myself had nothing to do with being less “ambitious”. On the contrary, I started to feel more empowered and confident. It is really about being your own supportive friend.

What is self-compassion?

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, “Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward. We are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes or feel inadequate.”

Why is it so important for HSPs?

HSPs usually carry feelings of inadequacy, guilt and shame for being different and doing things in a different way than the mainstream. Those negative feelings might result in a negative self-talk that adds to the energy drain at the end of the day. Self-compassion can reduce the intensity of those emotions and it’s a powerful antidote against self-criticism.

Why it is so difficult for HSPs to cultivate self-compassion?

HSPs feel other people’s emotions so intensely, even internalising them as their own, that they usually may feel the urge to help others and meet their needs. For empaths, those HSPs whose degree of sensitivity falls in the higher end of the spectrum, this process might be especially intense. Although there’s nothing wrong with being compassionate and caring about others, it might become a problem when doing so interferes with taking care of your own needs.

HSPs empathise so much with others that it comes naturally to be compassionate with them. However, it does not come so naturally to be compassionate towards themselves and it is a skill that usually takes time and practice to develop.

Moreover, there’s a tendency amongst HSPs to be harsh on themselves and not validate their own feelings. Perhaps after hearing that they are too sensitive, or too emotional when they were younger. Sometimes they grow up feeling as if they should hide their emotions and as if it is not okay to feel so much. That is why they may develop an automatic response of cancelling their own emotional processes.

Reasons to start practicing self-compassion

If it doesn’t come naturally and it is so difficult to cultivate it, why should you even try? I’ve gathered the main reasons why you should start with this practice below:

  • It is a powerful mood booster, improving your happiness and life satisfaction. As your mood has an impact on others’ mood, cultivating self-compassion will have a positive impact not only in you but in the people around you.
  • If you’ve been compassionate for others but not for yourself, you’re most likely feeling irritable, burnout and even resentful in your relationships. The more you bring compassion towards your own self, the more balanced you will feel, and that balance will reflect in the way you show up in the world and in the way you respond to your daily events.
  • It promotes resilience! It can be challenging to be an HSP. But with self-compassion, we can go through everything. It is the negative self-talk and those feelings of shame and inadequacy that make it more difficult for us to navigate through life. Being self-compassionate means being a supportive friend to yourself, especially during difficult moments. Would you be so harsh with someone you love as you are with yourself?
  • The brain becomes better at it once you practice. It takes time and practice to develop the skill of self-compassion. Eventually, it starts feeling easy and automatic, and it can be a real life changer.
  • It helps to better deal with perfectionism, and diminishes our fear of failure. It also helps in reducing the stress we feel when faced with adverse experiences.
  • By cultivating self-compassion, you can learn to acknowledge and validate your own emotions without judgment or criticism, which can help you to feel more connected to yourself and your experiences and improve your overall quality of life.
  • Research has shown that self-compassion is linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression.

How to practice self-compassion in 3 steps

During this exercise, I suggest you use the healing power of your hands in touch with a part of your body, like your heart and/ or your belly. Imagine you’re being a supportive friend towards yourself. Be aware of your body and your emotions at this moment.

Being self-compassionate requires to be vulnerable, and that can be scary when practiced for the first time.

Here is how to practice self-compassion in 3 steps:

  1. Identify and name what you are feeling. (e.g. anger, frustration, disappointment)
  2. Validate it. This means that you acknowledge and accept that you are experiencing a certain emotion, even if it’s a very uncomfortable emotion, that you allow yourself to feel it and that you don’t judge yourself for feeling what you are feeling. These are examples of things you can tell yourself to validate your emotions: it is okay to feel…, I am allowed to feel….
  3. Ask yourself what do I need? Give yourself what you actually need. Integrate the Yin and the Yang aspects of self-compassion. In Neff’s article “Why Women Need Fierce Self Compassion” she describes it this way: “In yin self-compassion, we hold ourselves with love—validating, soothing, and comforting our pain so that we can “be” with it without being consumed by it. In yang self-compassion, we act in the world in order to protect ourselves, provide what we need, and motivate change to reach our full potential.” Protection looks like setting boundaries, and motivation means changing and improving our behaviours when the time calls for it (while also accepting ourselves unconditionally)

Yoga flow for self-compassion

I have prepared a short gentle yoga flow for you in this video that I hope will help you open your heart and feel compassion towards your own self.

When practicing this sequence, try to be intentional and really connect with the feeling of being your own supportive friend and loving yourself as you are in this moment.

Congratulate yourself for taking action on starting your self-compassion practice, no matter how small the step is.

How compassionate are you?

Curious about how much you score on self-compassion? Take the following test for free to figure it out: https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test/

I hope this article helps you in understanding the term and encourages you to start your own self-compassion journey. What is your experience with self-compassion? Let me know in the comments 🙂